... a balancing act ...

May 08, 2025

i am grappling with 2 things that need tending to during the season i am in ~ my brain & my body.

they need all the soft lovely things life can offer: time, quiet, gentle expectations, deep rest, exercise, nourishment, emotional support etc a.n.d. yet the rolling ball of life continues on with appointments, managing tasks, emails, personal admin, etc.

nothing stops because you are grieving. my brain finds this entirely overwhelming & i tend to freeze which helps absolutely nothing.

there is a fine line between tending to my nervous system (fight, flight, freeze) & pushing my brain to get it back online again (it feels concussed). a balancing act of ‘pushing’ vs. ‘healing’ and the dance between the two, yet it feels more like an aggressive teeter totter ride than a dance ~ landing too hard while your little butt gets thrown in the air.

i feel like i want to do more than my brain allows & that is very frustrating. i am generally a multi-tasking badass. i expected the return of my old self sooner. my general frustration has me craving the dark cold days of winter hibernation, but its spring & all bears wake hungry.

a friend offered this question to me a few weeks back:

what are you proud of being capable of?

my list was immediate and sadly quite simple: consistent eating, consistent exercise, slowly but surely getting my sleep back on track, tending to the cashmere king’s daily needs (the king is my rag doll cat who is in renal failure) being able to read for fun, any time i remember to make an appointment &/or show up on time for it (yes, even when it is in my ical i can forget) and the big one, getting my taxes done on time! whew … that task was herculean !

i know my list will become more expansive over time but for now i will accept the teeter totter ride i am on knowing one day i will graduate to the zip line.

** i would be remiss not to mention the privileged position i am in with not only having the time to take care of myself after a 2 year long care-giving stint but also the resources to do so. we desperately need an overhaul for grief support in our culture but more on that later **