griefologist
SERVICES
LOSS
The good news? Loss doesn’t require a death. The bad news? It is sewn into the fabric of our existence. It is so common we often don’t realize it is happening around us all the time.
From the time we are little we are faced with loss. For children this can be harrowing as the experience is often out of their control. They then lack the ability to articulate the true expression of their grief. For obvious reasons, this can be misunderstood by parents, and often present in behaviours or emotional outbursts.
Loss is defined in the dictionary as “the fact or process of losing something or someone.” It should be no surprise, then, how long an exhaustive list of losses might be. From the mundane to the extraordinary, from the simple to the complex, loss is everywhere but can be tricky to detect. Here are a few examples:
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Loss of a relationship: Divorce, separation, break ups
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Loss of a job, or workplace, including change of career or retirement
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Shifting family structure, such as empty nest syndrome
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Moving from your community
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Aging
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Loss of identity ( married to divorced, single to married )
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Death – parents, spouses, pets, children, miscarriages,
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Downsizing – moving away from a family home
We often walk through life not recognizing these big life changes as loss. To reject these as significant losses the narrative continues that supports our ongoing denial of death & grief in our culture. Worse, oftentimes we can be experiencing more than one loss at a given time, or juggling the grief of others during a loss.
My passion is guiding others to not only detect these monumental losses as noteworthy, but to encourage acknowledgement and identification of the emotions that live within. If you want to hear how my experience of living consciously with loss can help you reframe your own relationship with loss, contact me for a complimentary consultation.
Let’s enter into an honest conversation about your intimate losses. Please know that you are not alone in your journey.
DEATH
Death gets a bad rap, & it should. I mean, what is so great about it? We humans get really attached to our people, places & things. When these are taken away from us, whether through our own choice or not, we rail.
With change comes uncertainty, with uncertainty comes more uncertainty, but I digress … death.
The topic is loaded. So loaded that we in western society steer clear away from it. But we can’t, because, well… death.
It comes. Sometimes we know it is coming & sometimes we don’t. The verdict is still out which one is easier. For the sake of argument, let’s say they are both hard, because … well, death.
The bad news is that the more we deny & disconnect from death the harder the feelings will be when death arrives. The good news ? The more we accept death & talk about it, the more prepared we are. The more prepared we are, the easier time we will have in handling the logistics and our feelings as well as the feelings of others. Invite me into your social networks to start getting you prepared for death & discussions about death.
Have you just experienced a death? Feeling overwhelmed? I can help you begin the process.
Let’s lean into death together with your family, friends, neighbours, & even your colleagues.
You are not alone. Reach out to book a complimentary consultation.
GRIEF
Now that I have your attention with death & loss, let’s talk about the last elephant in the room … GRIEF.
How is grief different from loss? Grief is the emotion that comes from loss. Simply put, grief is deep sorrow. Death creates the loss, and loss creates the sorrow. In many ways, our culture denies the full expression of death, loss and grief. Denying grief during a loss is like putting a paper bag over fireworks to prevent the fire. It will never work. Avoiding grief is like playing whack-a-mole. Every time you try and push it down, it pops up in a different location.
There needs to be a massive overhaul for how we do death & dying in our culture. But first we need to normalize grief. Putting words to our feelings and speaking them is essential. Shame should no longer have a seat at the table of grief. Grief is hard enough. Let it become normal for us to cry openly. Let it be acceptable to feel our emotions wherever we happen to be. When grief sneaks up on us, as it always does, let us be able to acknowledge it, move through it, and carry on after it, without batting an eye. This is no easy feat given many of us were raised denying our feelings. This isn’t a finger pointing exercise, rather a generational unlearning. While many families and cultures have extensive ritual and meaning around death, loss and grief, in others it was commonplace to be private. We now know that these cultural norms have far reaching negative consequences such as, addiction, illness, and mental health issues.
One way to normalize grief is to speak about it. This may sound scary, but it is easier than it seems & just requires practise. For example, in my own life if I am grieving & I am going to be around people, I will prepare them ahead of time, in case I cry in their presence. I have found that as long as people are aware of what’s happening, they are usually very empathetic. If you aren’t able to prepare them , try and explain what is happening, trusting you too will be met with empathy. If you are not, it just affirms my mission, that we have more work to do in making people comfortable to grieve openly. This is where I come in.
Introducing the concepts of comfort and the freedom to talk openly about grief and loss in our families is another important step for ourselves and for the next generation. Children can be taught that sharing their feelings is safe & they will be heard. Parents can be educated & prepared for these conversations. These lessons start with parents and families and will then flow out into our communities. Caring for one another needs to become a core value again. We have become separated because of our discomfort around expressing grief, which in turn breeds isolation. We can remove the isolation by promoting the open expression of grief, both at home and in our community and heal our communities & families one loss at a time.
Unsure where to start? I can help you begin.
Please know you are not alone. Call for a complimentary consultation.